FERN UNDERWOOD

Luke tells that Jesus grew in wisdom, in stature and in favor with God and man (Luke 2:52 RSV). It is a reminder that each of us has various sides to our natures. We grow intellectually, physically, spiritually (mind, body, soul) and socially. I have covered each of those in my autobiography. For this account, as my recipe for living, I would like to share the lessons that have contributed. to my spiritual life.

Love: Learning about love has encompassed my entire life. I grew up surrounded by love from my own parents and a large extended family on my mother's side. My grandparents had come from Germany and settled in the Reinbeck, Iowa area. Their children and grandchildren grew and stayed. The youngest of Mother’s sisters was my ideal. She was a school teacher, beautiful in my eyes, and her opinion of me was very important. One of my earliest memories was of sitting directly across from her at Grandma's huge dining room table. I clearly remember my mother nudging me and whispering, "Don't take such big bites or Aunt Dorothy won't like you."

It became fixed in my mind that love is earned. That was confirmed as the years went on and I observed that appropriate behavior and applying oneself in school were rewarded by good grades; taking responsibility on a job was rewarded by promotions and pay raises. That simple teaching, perhaps unduly, affected my attitudes and behavior throughout much of my life. When I finally came to the highest point of coming to know God, I was stunned to realize that God's love is neither earned nor deserved.

I was well into adulthood when I heard two memorable statements: one was a testimony, "I gave my life to Christ when I realized that no matter what I ever did God would never love me more and no matter what I ever did God would never love me less." The other, "God does not love us because of who we are but because of who God is." Such moments have become stepping stones of my growth and maturity.

Prayer: I have long since come to realize that there was a spiritual seed planted in my life long before I was aware of it. In elementary years, I attended a country school. When weather was good, I walked and was joined by other youngsters along the way. One of the bigger, stronger boys was a frustration because he took away from me anything he wanted- a new pencil, handkerchief or whatever. At one point I must have felt I had reached the end of my rope. During the school day, I wrote a prayer in which I told God of my dilemma, asking him to intervene. I intended to take the paper home, get down on my knees and hold up the folded paper between my hands, believing that it would be miraculously wafted off to heaven.

Where had that thought come from? I had wonderful parents but ours was not a "religious" family. Justified by my father's background, it was his opinion that religion was to be lived, not paraded or talked about. There was no occasion of getting down on our knees in prayer, no family devotions or grace before meals. That would have been ostentatious. We were on mud roads, seven miles from the town where we would attend church. Occasionally was in Sunday school; but this was beyond what I'd have learned there. This was personal. This involved angels coming to carry away the paper and I was well into adulthood before angels came to the forefront of my consciousness. I simply don't know the answer.

What actually happened was the most natural thing in the world. The boy saw me writing and, on the way home, took the paper away from me. He must have read it because I don't remember that he ever bothered me again. However, it was many years before I realized that God had, indeed, answered the prayer and that this is the way answers to prayer usually come - so quietly, so naturally that they are apt not to be noticed.

Giving: What church relationship I had was in the Congregational, now United Church of Christ; but, when we moved to another community, the friends I developed were active in the Methodist church, so I followed suit. Most memorable was an organization of high school girls called Standard Bearers, sponsored by the Women's Foreign Missionary Society. We had a counselor named Mrs. Handorf who loved, prayed for, and enjoyed us. We were embarrassed that she prayed for us but, in later years, long after she was deceased, when I made my commitment to Christ, she was the first person who came to mind. Who knows the power of her prayers that may well have kept me safe through all my wanderings in those intervening years?

Most of all, without any heavy-handed attempt, she taught us to tithe. In her mind becoming a Christian and deciding to tithe were not two separate decisions. A Christian tithed, period. Of course it wasn't difficult in those days when we had an allowance of, maybe, 50¢ a month. We took out a nickel and put it in the Sunday school collection. If it went to $1.00 we put in a dime, and so on. It became a basic principle and a joy of my life, one that I have opportunity to encourage others to do.

There was another constructive result of that church experience. During every Sunday worship service, we repeated the Apostles' Creed until we knew it from memory. That became important to me many years later. I had been a member of the Congregational Church in Reinbeck; then the Methodist in Conrad; then we moved back to Reinbeck and I transferred back to the Congregational. I had been long since gone from there, had married and moved to Osceola. It was a new community; Clifford was starting a new business; I was a brand new mother for the first time, and we had made no contact with the church here.

At that time I received a letter from the Reinbeck church. It was the kind that is familiar to all who have tried, always unsuccessfully, to frame a similar one to inactive members. The gist of it was, "Your name is still on our records. You no longer live here or send support. We encourage you to become involved where you are. Would you like your name removed?" I was infuriated! The pastor who signed the letter wasn't even there when I was associated with that church! It was my home church, for goodness' sake; and yes, if my name offends you by being on that list, take it off!

Now, somewhere in my thinking there was an association between having my name on a church roll and belonging to God. Even though nothing had changed after receiving or replying to the letter - I was as related to that church as I had been for years -I felt adrift. I clearly remember exactly where I was standing- at the sink- in which house in Osceola- on the corner of South Park and East Cass Streets, thinking, amidst tears of anger and fear, "I don't even know what I believe!" And from out of the past came the confirming words, "I believe in God, the Father Almighty; and in Jesus Christ, His only Son, our Lord..." and all the rest of the creed even though I hadn't thought of it for years. It was an anchor I desperately needed in that moment!

In what is perhaps a remote relationship to that, some years ago there was a recommendation that youngsters not be encouraged to memorize Bible verses until they understand their meaning. I totally disagree, partly for the reason inferred above-the creed that came back to mind when I needed it. Secondly, I think of my mother-in-law who lived for nearly three tortuous years following a stroke which robbed her of the ability to form even a simple sentence. However, a functioning part of her brain retained things she had memorized as a youngster - long poems and Bible verses. She was able to repeat them word for word, articulating them clearly, giving her assurance that she had from nothing else.

Honesty: I was a senior in high school when Dad gave me an object lesson in honesty. On a spring day, after a long and tedious winter, the weather was warm and the outdoors enticing. On the way back to school at noon, one of the group suggested that it would be a good day to play hookey, so we did. Never do I recall a more boring afternoon. We went to the house of one of the four but there was nothing to do. All our other friends were in school.

At the appropriate time I went home and promptly told Mother what I had done. She could hardly believe it! When she told Dad his reaction was, "Well, it took her long enough to think of that!" I breathed a sigh of relief. It had been much more simple than I expected. However, the next morning, when I asked Dad to write the excuse I would need, his answer was, "No, you'll have to tell them what you did. You knew you were breaking the rules. You must have thought the fun would be worth the price you would have to pay." I was the only one of the four of us who did that, but I took the punishment with the others.

My brother and sister also were taught honesty and I so well remember my sister telling about a discovery she had made which she framed in these words, "I have found that, by making one general decision, we can eliminate a lot of small ones. Deciding to be honest takes care of instances when we might wonder if we should keep a promise or confidence; if we should mention that we have been undercharged or a mistake has been made in our favor. It saves bothering with details and relieves a lot of stress."

Tuition: While tuition is usually thought of in relation to schooling, in general it might be defined as the price we pay for lessons we learn, and life provides continuing education. The adaptation of the word for costly experience is from an exchange I overheard between former postmaster, Larry Hagie, and a lady customer. She complained that she had mail ordered what she thought was one volume of a set of books but the company seemed to be sending the entire set. She considered it a scam and hoped the postal authorities could rescue her. Larry listened to her story and concluded that she had failed to read carefully what she had signed. His advice, "Write it off as tuition."

The tuition concept has helped me immeasurably on many occasions to accept what is instead of dwelling on what might have been or what was my wishful thinking. For example, a pastor named Dan approached the minister who was serving our church and told that he had been pastoring a small, independent congregation who were paying him only the Sunday morning offering. He had accepted the agreement, believing Philippians 4:19, which promises that "God will fully satisfy every need..." He and his wife failed to differentiate between "needs" and"wants" with the result that they had fallen so deeply into debt that they were hounded day and night by creditors and had nowhere to turn.

His story touched the compassionate heart of our pastor and he spoke to various parishioners/friends about how we might help this dedicated servant of God. He used his influence to find Dan a position in the connectional church and he and his family were established in a near by community. Over a course of time, he and I became friends and I attended some of his Bible study sessions which were as mind-expanding as any I had ever heard!

There still hung over him the pall of accumulated debts and I thought of and prayed for the family many times. It was just after Clifford's death. Insurance money was coming in and one morning, in my Bible reading, words leapt off the page at me: "As a matter of equality your abundance at the present time should supply their want, so that their abundance may supply your want, that there may be equality" (2 Cor. 8:14).

I was stunned! At issue was an amount in five figures! Clifford had not provided insurance for me to use it in this way! On the other hand, I do believe that there are times when God expects us to participate in answering our prayers. And it was certainly true that I was enjoying the friendship that developed between Dan and me; and he was supplying what I hungered for - this extraordinarily deep study of the Bible.

I might have been able to shrug off my thoughts if my eyes had not fallen upon a verse on the opposite page: "Under the test of this service, you will glorify God by your obedience..." (2 Cor. 9:13). That settled it. And once the decision had been made I found it very exciting! It seemed so right and satisfied a deep need to help someone start over. I arranged through an attorney to make money available so that Dan and his family would be freed from their debts.

That was the tuition. The lessons, which I have had to learn more than once, are: (1) People seldom change lifestyles midstream. The same manner of living that got them into the mess continued. Almost immediately the current needs superseded the debt payment and day after day Dan would ask if he could have this relatively small amount to do what he presented as an urgent need. The bottom line was that it was not long before he took bankruptcy and any hope I had that he would live up to his part of the agreement to repay me, or for me to recoup my ''investment", was gone.

(2) However, the second lesson was that the Biblical promise was fulfilled. I did not miss the money. Through the same lifestyle by which Clifford and I had accumulated money, through going to work at our stores, I saved enough money so that Clifford's was intact. Also, what was to have been a secret transaction became known and it opened doors to acquaintance and friendships with a number of highly intelligent and deeply spiritual people, whom I admired and likely would not otherwise, have known.

(3) I came to realize that those of us who want to "fix things" are always in danger of encouraging weakness. A study of the way Jesus "helped" reveals that he required people to do something for themselves. He helped them into strength and self-respect.

(4) I need to apply the directive Jesus gave when he sent out the disciples, "Be as wise as serpents but innocent as doves" (Matt. 10:16). The image I had of Dan was not perceptive. I believed him to be what he was not and what he was incapable of being. I write it off as tuition.

God the Bible and the Church: There were many years during my lifetime when I was confused about God and not active in the church. I feel that it has been a very long and winding road that led me to this stage when God, the Bible and the church actually are my life.

As far back as I can remember I have had a consciousness of God. Maybe it is true for everyone because God said "I will put my law upon hearts... and they shall all know me" (Jere. 31:33-34). Even as a child, I tried to read the Bible. I say "tried to read" because all we had in those days was the King James Version and, having no one to tell me otherwise, I began at the beginning. Each time I began at the beginning because the language was strange, I was barely into it when I came to the "begats" that listed names I couldn't pronounce and that meant nothing to me.

Everything I read raised questions: What about a God who accepted Abel's offering but had no regard for Cain's in Genesis 4? There were four people- right? -Adam and Eve, Cain and Abel. Cain killed Abel which left three, but God sent Cain away from that land, so where did he get his wife (Gen. 4:17)? Time after time I slammed the book shut in disgust but time after time I took it up and tried again.

At some point I got over into the Gospels which raised more questions. When I attended Sunday school, teachers talked about this wonderful Jesus person and I wondered what book they were reading from. A humble man? My Bible quoted Him as saying, "No man cometh unto the Father but by me" (John 14:6b). They associated him with peace, but I read his saying, "Think not that I am come to bring peace on earth; I have not come to bring peace, but a sword" (Matt. 10:34-38).

God gave the commandments but in the Sermon on the Mount Jesus seemed to be overriding them as he said, "Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time...But say..." (Matt. 5).

I was encouraged to become a follower of this kind, loving, inviting man; but one man wanted to follow him and asked only for time to go home and bury his father. Jesus answered, "Let the dead bury their own dead: but as for you, go and proclaim the kingdom of God." Another wanted to say farewell to those at home to which Jesus answered, "No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God" (Luke 9:59-62).

From somewhere within me I knew I was wrong but there it was in black and white! If there were interpretative books I had no knowledge of or access to them. I didn’t1 tell any of the "religious" people about my questions because of what they might think of me. Occasionally I attempted to talk to ministers but they were generally too busy or thought I was too naive - or something- and gave me such answers as, "Oh, there are lots of books" without naming any. I read at one time that the book of Ruth was not fact but fiction and confronted our pastor to ask, "Is the Bible true or not?" His answer, without further explanation, was "I think it's true."

Have you ever gone hungry or thirsty for a long time - like forty years - which is how long it was before I was given answers to my questions and the key to the Bible that had remained locked. At that time my children were old enough to begin attending Sunday school. I agreed to teach and came to realize that every week I would prepare a lesson, empty my "well" of knowledge and go home to prepare again. I needed a deeper well to draw from.

At that time we had a pastor who had the patience, caring, and took the time to listen to all my questions and answer them! This was Rev. Azel Smith. When I told him of my need, he agreed to teach a Bible study. We met for an hour once a week, sometimes spending the entire session on a single verse - dissecting it, relating it to the time and circumstances in which it was written, then making it relevant to our day with examples and personal experiences.

There must have been one session so paramount that in that moment I knew what I wanted! If this was the true God, the real Jesus, he was, as he had said, the way I wanted to go, the truth I wanted to know and the life I wanted to live (John 14:6). It was the most exhilarating moment of my life! I left the church walking three feet off the ground. Everything I saw took on a more brilliant color than had been the case an hour earlier.

That was in 1955, and at that time I began to write with great intensity, wanting to pass on to other seekers what I'd learned. I was well aware that I had a long way yet to go and have been studying every since with a hunger that has never been satisfied. My greatest joy has been teaching Sunday school classes or leading Bible studies. When I had committed my life, I promised God that "whatever I feel that you want me to do, I will do it"; and once, in prayer, I asked God if I could be his secretary. I think he said "Yes."

In 1985, when I sold our business to Randall and Linda Andrew, I had no reason to continue living here, but the importance to me of the church family gave me all the reason I needed. This has become the extended family I had known as a little child.

You will have noticed how much and how many people have contributed to the shaping of my spiritual life, and I have barely scratched the surface. Some have been long-time friends; others have been chance encounters. The latter such comes to mind when I had gone with my mother for surgery in Iowa City. A young girl was admitted to occupy the second bed in her room. She and her mother came at noon and I invited the mother to lunch.

She told me about the trauma the entire family had experienced when their beautiful, popular, involved high-school-age daughter had been diagnosed with epilepsy. They had wondered "why her, why us?" but, as time had gone on, they watched the daughter become a much more compassionate person of greater depth than previously. This helped to answer questions regarding suffering. I saw more clearly than I had before that the variations of highs and lows, ups and downs are important but that I have grown the most during the "downs", of which there have been many. There is a poem:

The Weaver
Author Unknown

My life is but a weaving between my Lord and me:
I cannot choose the colors, He worketh steadily.
Of times He weaveth sorrow, and I, in foolish pride,
Forget He sees the upper, and I, the underside.

Nor till the loom is silent and the shuttles cease to fly,
Shall God unroll the canvas and explain the reason why
The dark threads are as needful, in the Weaver's skillful hand,
As the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned.

EVEN THOUGH OUR OUTER NATURE IS WASTING AWAY:
OUR INNER NATURE IS BEING RENEWED DAY AND BY DAY. 2 COR. 4: / 6

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Last Revised May 20, 2012